Jul 03

Cara Sutra Fantasy Beginner’s Bondage Kit Review

As a retired *cough* dominatrix and a woman who’s partial to a bit of kink, I’ll rarely pass up the opportunity to review a promising new bondage kit. This set in particular is especially exciting for me as it’s the baby of fellow sex blogger and Lifestyle Domme, Cara Sutra. To those aspiring to make a living out of their passion for writing, multi award-winning journalist Cara is a source of knowledge and inspiration. Now she’s putting her money where her red lipstick lives and has created the first of a range of products under the Cara Sutra Ltd brand.

Cara Sutra Beginner's Bondage Kit - Fantasy

Her Cara Sutra Fantasy range is a vegan-friendly, beginner-friendly range of bedroom bondage accessories designed to give an authentic experience. The collection comes in two colours – red and black – and she’s been kind enough to give me a red Beginner’s Bondage Kit for an impartial review. It contains wrist cuffs, ankle cuffs, a collar, a lead/leash, bondage rope, a flogger whip, a blindfold and a breathable ball gag.

I’ve taken a slightly different route with this review due to the number of components, so here are my need-to-knows in a shorter style:

Bondage Rope

Smooth and soft with slight stretch and easy to tie. The ends are cut and taped and will need maintaining over time but this is standard with any kind of bondage rope. You get 10 metres which is enough to create a cute body harness (link NSFW), so ideal for use with the collar and cuffs. Simply create your harness and use the removable clips on the cuffs to bind the hands or ankles to the rope. Incorporate the collar by threading it through the D-ring at the front – a safer option than tying the rope around your sub’s neck.

I gave the rope a machine wash at 30 degrees and it came out beautifully clean. The ends were still in tact, there was no noticeable colour run and it was just as soft and pliable as before it went in. Marvellous!

10/10 – Plenty of length, soft on the skin and easy to use and maintain.

Ball gag

Hella Walkington Ball GagA simple, stylish design with an adjustable buckle at the back. The ball itself is 5.5 inches in circumference but it does have air holes to improve comfort. It’s mounted between 2 O-rings on a sliding mount that allows reciprocal but not rotational movement. I found this gag was a little on the large side for a beginner but that certainly does create the desired submissive effect.

The plastic has no taste and is firm enough to be bitten without shattering in the mouth. A good range of holes on the back buckling meant there were no problems with fit on either a small or a large head. The construction is very solid and will withstand plenty of play. I personally would have preferred a smaller ball so the gag could have been worn for longer, jaw ache is only sexy to a point.

7/10 – The ball was a little on the large side for a beginner but the quality and fit was good.

Wrist and Ankle Cuffs

I have nothing bad to say about these wonderful bedroom bondage restraints. The
combination of PVC and faux fur is gloriously lightweight and comfortable to wear. The Hella's Feet - Ankle Cuff Review in Red Heels and Toenailshardware lives up to its name and stands up to plenty of resistance, they are a surefire winner. They connect with chain/clips combo that can be released by the wearer if desired, making them perfect for first-time play.

The fit for both wrists and ankles was generally good for both slender and larger, muscular physiques. You’ll notice that the ankle cuffs are slightly bigger in size than the wrist cuffs. The cuffs measure 8.5-inch to 11.5-inch for the wrists and 10.5-inch to 13-inch for the ankles.

Unfortunately the ankle cuffs were too big for me. I have Skinny Minnie legs (someone once derided me for having ‘photoshopped ankles’ that looked like ‘chopsticks’ – Cheers, that person!). Just as well I’m not too inclined to switch. ;)

10/10 Attractive, comfortable to wear and incredibly strong. If the cuffs are a little large they still function well and feel comfortable to wear.


Simple in style and reasonably effective. You may notice light peaks in under the nose bridge and if you tip your head back, you’re able to see through the little gaps. Thanks to the soft faux fur lining, you’ll be compelled to close your eyes during wear and this makes it a little more effective. The classic elasticated style means minimal slippage and maximum comfort during the throes of passion.

Hella Walkington in Bondage BlindfoldThe fit was a little tight on a larger head but the elastic will loosen with stretching. Not one to wear as a sleep mask, its a little rigid when fresh out of the box but will relax with time. This blindfold will certainly see some use as it’s a great visual to complement the set but I personally prefer to wear silk satin blindfolds.

I was also a little disappointed with the way it looked on. It’s not the most attractive blindfold I own and the shape is unflattering on even the most chiselled features.

7/10 – Let in a little light and allowed peaking but better worn with eyes closed. Good fit, slip resistance and comfort but a touch too rigid. Not the most attractive blindfold.


Lightweight, well sized for the hand with fine tails and a short spread. I really like the addition of an O-ring to the handle for repetitive swinging motions or storage, it’s the little touches that go a long way. The appearance is lovely, especially the wrapped handle. If Cara Sutra Flogger Whip from the Fantasy Beginner's Bondage Kityou had to gripe, it would be for the exposed acrylic backing on the tails.

This flogger whip unfortunately came out as being a little much for a beginner. There’s something to be said for a softer thud when you’re acclimatising newbies to whips, unfortunately this was a little too stingy. Even when used softly, sensation had a tendency to build too quickly for some. I’d definitely recommend giving this flogger a go if you’re a fan of spanking canes or riding crops, the sting is very similar. For the rest of us, you need to take a very gentle approach perhaps with some stroking of the buttocks and thighs in between reps.

8/10 – Beautifully made with attention to detail. Tails produced a fantastic sting that required a very gentle hand that’s difficult to achieve for newbies.

Collar & Leash

At some point between being a goth and becoming a domme I got rid of all of my collars. I used to have (and wear) a tonne of them. I was thrilled to find a collar and leash in this pack as it’s a duo so often overlooked in other bondage sets. #win

Cara Sutra Fantasy Bondage Collar and LeadThe collar is really imposing, it’s wide with a large buckle and has a front-mounted O-ring for connecting the clip on the leash. It’s also lined with faux fur which makes it incredibly comfortable to wear. The fit again was great on both a small and a large neck.

The leash itself looks quite flimsy but I’ll assure you it’s not. It’s fitted with a swivel clip for superior maneuverability. Having played tug-of-war with a very burly chap, I can confirm that both collar and lead are still in tact. I however need to hit the gym because I failed to pull him over.

Cara’s collar will fit necks measuring between 15 and 18.5 inches in circumference and is perfectly effective and usable if worn a little loose.

10/10 – Excellent fit, attractive design, incredibly comfortable and stands up to  some serious abuse. Ideal for use during sex and for directional play.

Summation – Should You Buy the Cara Sutra Fantasy Beginners Bondage Kit?

Absolutely. This is one of the most adaptable and comfortable bedroom bondage kits on the market. It contains and amazing array of items, making it exceptional value, and they’ve all been thoughtfully produced to be both attractive and effective.

You will need some practice with the flogger, ball gag and bondage rope and that makes it a great gateway into other BDSM play and trying new gear. With a little patience and some practice, you’ll be able to create some impressive fantasy scenarios at home – especially once you master the art of making rope body harnesses. The removable clips allow you to create a real array of body restraints. Hogtie, anyone?

Overall Score 9/10 – High quality, great value and plenty to experiment with. Would make a great gift for your partner or something exciting to try on your next weekend away.

You can buy The Cara Sutra Fantasy Beginner’s Bondage Kit at Adultoys UK for £69. The kit is presently on sale for £59 for a limited time.

Visit the Cara Sutra LTD website
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Jun 26

Relationship Advice: Why Do People Cheat in Relationships?

Over the past few months I’ve received quite a few emails from men and women who are IMG_20140626_210531either considering cheating, are concerned that their partner is cheating on them or have found out about an infidelity. The emails are similar in nature; expressing a lot of fear and upset, asking questions as to why partners cheat, if it’s acceptable to cheat and if it’s worth persevering with a relationship when one partner has been unfaithful.

Instead of replying to each question individually, I thought it was worth penning a blog that talked about cheating and the reasons people stray from their relationships. I don’t mean this to be the last word in how or why things happen but hopefully it will serve as a guideline to help those who are facing up to an infidelity from either side.

There is no easy way to explain infidelity, each individual circumstance is different but it’s fair to say that sex and affairs outside of a monogamous relationship are incredibly common. Surveys undertaken in the UK and USA suggest that 25% – 70% of women and 40% – 80% of men have had at least one sexual encounter while in a monogamous relationship.

Everything from a lack of emotional support to a flagging sex life to stress to an overwhelming physical desire is cited as a reason for cheating. There are a thousand reasons someone might cross the line but focusing on the whys is not always the most constructive way of dealing with infidelity, at least not initially.

Looking at statistics doesn’t do us a whole lot of good either. In fact it’s likely to make us incredibly cynical about the potential for any relationship. Surveys that reveal cheating stats usually take very little information into account albeit for the occurrence of sex, and they’re usually conducted using fairly small or specific groups (such as those using an extra-marital dating site). It’s likely that the majority of us will cheat on a partner at some stage in our lives but for many of us this happens in our teens or early twenties while we’re learning about sex and relationships first hand. Take stats with a pinch of salt and generalisations with the knowledge that they’re just that – a summation of a subject and not the defining rule.

Looking at why people cheat is a helpful way of handling any infidelity. Although the common answer when you confront a cheating partner is often ‘I don’t know’, there are usually reasons behind it, even if there is uncertainty about what they are.

The Role of Biology, Desire and Self-Control
Cheating VennWhether we want to accept it or not, we are predisposed to consider cheating. This comes down to a biological desire to find the best-possible mate to have offspring with and you’ll see it demonstrated within societal structures throughout the animal kingdom where mate poaching is an expected part of life. The conscious desire to have children or spend our lives with someone has very little impact on our consideration, nor does our emotional connection with our partner or family. The desire to have sex is mainly driven by biochemistry – an involuntary bodily response to someone we’re attracted to that is hot-wired into us and impossible to control. The unfortunate fact is that our mental state is at odds with our physical. We know in our minds what is expected of us but our bodies betray us.

When we develop a crush on someone, we tend to fantasise about sex with them. For some people this culminates in fleeting thoughts whereas others will start thinking about their crushes during sexual scenarios – both solo and with their partner. For some it becomes a subconscious or conscious obsession of sorts, leading them to strengthen their bond with the object of their desires and in doing so, they increase the likelihood of cheating on their partner. Although this is primally driven, we have to accept responsibility for our actions.

The difference between cheaters and those who stay faithful is simply self-control, and the first step in understanding why people cheat is accepting that we all have ‘impure’ thoughts within the confines of a relationship. For example, your partner fantasising about Ryan Gosling might be harmless enough and is an acceptable ‘celebrity crush’ but the same feelings about someone your lover is on speaking terms with is rightly construed as a threat. The difference between the two is availability, the sentiment is one in the same.

Physical Gratification Through Casual Sex
The easiest kind of infidelity to make peace with is one that involves casual sex and nothing more. It’s no less hurtful to the faithful partner but some solace can be taken from the fact that it’s devoid of any emotional connection. We all have times when we meet someone and we feel sexual desire or simply note sexual accessibility, but for the majority of us the consideration is fleeting.

Casual liaisons like these are most common within long-distance relationships or those where there is little sex or sexual dissatisfaction. The casual partner serves to fill a physical desire and rarely poses a threat outside of a sexual union. There are instances in which a sexual connection can become an emotional one but these tend to be few and far between. A partner who seeks extra-curricular sex is most likely seeking physical gratification and nothing more.

If you’re reading this speculatively then my advice is thus: If you’re considering looking for sexual gratification outside of your relationship, you need to improve communication with your partner. Whether sex is too infrequent or you need something more from your sexual relationship, you need to find the courage to talk about it in order to improve the situation. Having sex with someone else in the short term may improve your sexual satisfaction but it’s a temporary and potentially harmful solution to what might be an issue that’s easily fixed with words and constructive action.

Developing Feelings for Friends
Another major reason we cheat is that we develop feelings for someone in our lives without meaning to. We all have good friends who mean the world to us but at times the boundaries between friendship and love become blurred and we begin to feel more than a platonic connection with our comrades.

When we’re single, this can develop into a relationship that has deeper foundations than sexual attraction but when we’re involved with someone else it becomes incredibly difficult to understand where we stand. Connections with friends are more likely to develop into an affair as we feel loyalty to both the friend and our partner, making it hard to take a step back.

Self-Control – Intoxication is NOT Your Friend
Sexual attraction and deeper connections with friends are more likely to result in sexual action when inhibitions are lowered. Intoxication is a major contributing factor in many infidelities but it’s not the reason we desire sex with people other than our partner. That is already predetermined by our biochemical responses or emotional connections, as mentioned above.3d-red-button

When we drink or take drugs, we find our rational thought is dampened and that leads to lower levels of self-control and a higher instance of impulsiveness. That’s why so many infidelities happen or commence when intoxicants are involved, the attraction has been there for a while but a diminished sense of responsibility makes it easier for us to cross the line. For those already subconsciously or consciously considering a physical union with their crush, it’s simply fuel to the flames.

If you’re reading this speculatively then my advice is thus: Do not drink alcohol or take drugs around your crush if you don’t want to action your desires.

Becoming Overly Friendly with a Crush is Dangerous
Another reason things go too far is allowing ourselves to become too emotionally involved with our crushes. Generally speaking, you need to take several steps back if you have a strong sexual attraction to someone and they’re also a friend, colleague or another type of social connection.

Florence Nightingale Syndrome is roughly explained as a carer and patient relationship in which one or both sides develop feelings for the other, but it also applies if you’re lending an ear to your crush and providing advice. Acting as a physical or emotional caretaker for a crush is dangerous territory that often leads to a deeper bond and greater affection. The conscious intention might be innocent but your body is likely to think otherwise.

There’s also something to be said against merely hanging out with a crush, even if you avoid personal subjects or one-on-one time. When we feel attracted to someone, prolonged exposure to them leads our bodies to produce a bonding hormone called oxytocin that strengthens our connection with them and it’s a recipe for trouble. When this sense of closeness is reciprocated by our crush, it’s the leading reason an affair develops as opposed to a simple sexual encounter. You don’t just desire one another, you’re emotionally attached to one another and subconsciously see the connection as having the potential to be more.

If you’re reading this speculatively then my advice is thus: If you have a crush on someone you spend time with, it’s better to back off and spend as little time with them as possible to avoid becoming more attached.

My Partner Has Cheated. What Do I Do Next?
Finding out your partner has cheated on you is one of the most emotionally devastating things that can happen when you prescribe to a IMG_20140626_195646monogamous lifestyle. The first and foremost issue you face is one of broken trust, infidelities usually occur without prior discussion and are often brought into the light of day without a confession. When you’ve entered into an agreement with someone that you’re theirs and they are yours, it’s hard to understand why they’ve undermined that sentiment.

The first thing to recognise when you’re facing an infidelity is that the act of physically or emotionally connecting with someone else is not necessarily a reflection on your relationship. Sure, there may be things that are imperfect about your partnership but that doesn’t mean to say the reason your partner strayed is down to you. If your partner has hidden their actions from you, it goes some way to show that they’d rather you didn’t know. Although it is a betrayal, it’s also indicative that they don’t necessarily want things to end with you.

If there’s one place that statistics have a place in this blog, it’s now. Very few affairs or flings culminate in a relationship. Even when partnerships form as a result of an affair, they’re more likely to end at some stage than not. If you consider the role of monogamy in our society and what we want from love, being cheated on doesn’t come high on that list. If emotions develop as a result of infidelity then trust is likely to be a foremost hurdle in anything long-term happening within the affair. It’s more probable that your partner will feel remorse and regret for their actions and will consciously wish for your relationship to continue. How you handle that and progress is down to you.

It’s important that you don’t make any rash decisions and try to curb your words. Sometimes it’s better to live with a partner who has been unfaithful than it is to live without them, despite the initial anger and hatred you feel. Yes, it is easier said than done. Finding out someone has cheated on a monogamous relationship feels exactly like finding out that someone close to you has died. Your biochemistry reacts in the same way and you’ll most likely need to go through the grieving process in order to accept and deal with what has happened. Once more, that’s no easy task.

It’s normal to take time alone to consider your thoughts and feelings. You’ll swing wildly Is my relationship over?
between wanting to be close with your partner and wanting them to disappear from view. The best thing for you both is to acknowledge and be accepting and understanding of this fact. Infidelities cause a painful and turbulent mix of emotional circumstances that are tricky to navigate and even trickier to discuss rationally. Patience and sympathy are often the difference between a relationship surviving an infidelity and one breaking apart because of it.

During this time you’ll want to avoid off-the-cuff conversations and take a constructive approach toward dealing with your hurt. Again, it’s far easier said than done. The best thing you can do is make good friends with a pen and pad and make your smartphone your enemy. Modern technology is certainly a curse when you have emotions to express and an impulsive tongue (or fingers) will often serve to worsen the situation instead of help to heal it.

As creatures we’re incredibly impulsive but the last thing you want to do is contribute further to the hurt you both feel by prematurely expressing your thoughts. This echoes the what I’ve written in my ‘How Do I Know My Relationship is Over?’ blog. Constructively conveying how you feel is one part considering your thoughts and one part expressing effectively.

When you’re ready to discuss the hows and whys of the infidelity, you’ll be able to better understand your partner’s perspective. It doesn’t mean you’ll empathise or even sympathise but it can help to heal the pain you presently feel. It’s never easy to hear why things got to this point but it’s better to know the facts than it is to have them covered up for the sake of spared feelings. Bringing the full details to light will allow you both to accept what has happened and find a constructive way to deal with things. From there on in, we reach the point of the ‘Is My Relationship Over?’ post, the steps contained therein will help you to decide where to go next.

It’s also worth remembering that time is a great healer. Although the pain you’re experiencing now is fresh, raw and incredibly difficult to make peace with, over time it does fade and pale in comparison to the experiences you have ahead of you. How do I know? I’ve been there too. I’ve stuck with a partner who was unfaithful and the experience was a big factor in dedicating a large proportion of my life to understanding how relationships work.

Yes, my relationship with B ended too, but not before another two years of love, joy and intimacy together. In the end we parted ways because we grew apart and it was a tough decision for both of us. I don’t regret my decision to stick things out one bit but it was a very steep learning curve to traverse. It can be done and I have come away with a better understanding of love and less fear about sex outside of a relationship. In the least, you can possibly expect to take that away with you – regardless of which side of the fence you find yourself on.

I hope you’ve found this blog helpful. I welcome comments, additions and the like if you’d like to give them.

Jun 25

Relationship Advice: How Do I Know if My Relationship is Over?

IMG_20140625_101118Q: I’m starting to wonder if my partner and I have a future together anymore. We’ve been together for a long time and we have a lot of history. I’ve not really considered leaving her before but recently I feel at times that I don’t even want to be around her, let alone with her. I’m very conflicted as to whether I want to stay in a relationship and as a result things are getting worse between us. How do I know if it’s the right time to call it a day? Should I stick it out or is it time to man up and leave her?


A: Being in love can be one of the most exhilarating and all-encompassing feelings we get to experience as individuals. It can also be soul destroying when things start to go wrong, leading us to face some pretty difficult life decisions. It’s hard to know when a relationship has run its course, emotions run high and a feeling of hopelessness can exasperate things further. If you’re questioning whether or not your relationship has run its course, it’s time to consider why and make some decisions about what happens next.

Has Something Happened to Make You Feel this Way?

Often we question our relationships due to a particular set of circumstances. If you can Is my relationship over?pinpoint a reason for your relationship dissatisfaction then you can better understand why you feel that way. If it helps, make a list of the things you want to address as a priority. Avoid nitpicking but if there are old issues that are affecting your feelings within the relationship, which I suspect there may be from the ‘history’ mention, don’t be afraid to return to them in a constructive and understanding manner.

Once your head is a little clearer about why you’re feeling this way, you’ll need to confide in your partner and have a constructive conversation. Facing up to a troubled relationship is hard and takes courage but it’s easier than feeling unhappy day in and day out.

The Dos and Don’ts of Addressing Relationship Issues

When you’re feeling emotionally drained by a dilemma it can be easy to be impulsive with your behaviour, so the sooner you’re able to raise your feelings with her, the better. As you mention, she’s picking up that something’s wrong and it’s unfair of you to leave her questioning why. Take a big breath and prepare yourself for a frank and open conversation. You won’t know where to take things next for sure unless you do. Take a look at my dos and don’ts to help you formulate a plan.

- Spend time considering what you want to say before you say it. It’s too easy to turn a discussion about your relationship into an argument if you don’t consider your words first. Make notes if you need to.

– Be realistic and honest with yourself about why you feel this way. Sometimes we hide the reasons we feel a certain way because they’re difficult to discuss. If there’s residual guilt about your emotional concerns then things are unlikely to improve.

– Avoid raising issues that have no relevance to your relationship or dragging up old arguments. If old issues are affecting your relationship then it’s likely you’ve not dealt with a situation effectively. Ask yourself if there’s any way you can alleviate or overcome the effects of bad blood between you.

– Speak to a trusted friend or family member before you discuss things with your partner if you feel it will help. It’s OK to seek advice from those who know you best but avoid bringing up confidential advice in discussions with your partner. These conversations should help you make more sense of your feelings, they’re not ammunition to prove a point. It can also prove damaging to admit to your partner that you’ve talked so frankly about your relationship with someone else before discussing things with them. This doesn’t make it wrong but you need to be tactful.

– Choose a time when you’re both able to have a frank discussion. The end of a working week is ideal as you’ll both have some space to clear your heads afterward.

– Try to tell her your feelings in person. Phone calls, texts, emails and letters aren’t the most constructive way to address your problems but don’t punish yourself either if this is the only way you feel you can handle the conversation. Having the conversation is better than not having one at all.

– Be sure to ask your partner how she feels and listen to what she has to say. If you disagree with something she says, allow her to finish before explaining your side. Accept that you may feel differently about the same situations and that you need to be empathic toward one another.

– Work together to reach an amicable conclusion. Can you find a way to iron out the creases in your relationship together? Be open to changes and spending time tending to the cracks in your union. The fact that you have doubts about ending it means that working toward a solution before quitting is likely to be worthwhile, even if things ultimately don’t work out.

– Seek solutions and be proactive in making your relationship better as a couple. Effort from one side or the other helps but it takes two to make a strong and successful partnership.

– Make things personal. It’s easy to go on the attack when we hear things that dent our ego or feel painful to listen to. Stay calm and accept that your partner has their own concerns about your relationship.

– Use accusatory language. Avoid phrases like ‘You act like’ or ‘You don’t understand’ as they come across as you blaming your partner for your relationship failings. Instead you need to accept that these are your own interpretations and feelings about the situation and you should demonstrate you understand that. Use phrases such as ‘I feel like’ or ‘I don’t feel like’ to express your emotions more constructively.

– Wait for an argument to spill your concerns. You both need to be calm and able to express yourselves effectively. Heated discussions usually end in more hurt and bad blood which can further damage your chances of working things out.

– It probably goes without saying but avoid talking when either of you have been drinking.

– Lay down ultimatums. There is no one way to fix a relationship so if you reach a sticking point, you need to be diplomatic and find some middle ground.

– Be impulsive. It’s difficult to undo hasty actions or words.

Even with these guidelines to help you, it’s going to be a difficult conversation to have. Hopefully they’ll help you make a little more sense of things and assist you in finding a solution to your concerns. There is no easy way to improve a relationship and you’re likely to face a period of uncertainty. Make sure that in your heart of hearts you both want to make things work before continuing. It will be more painful for you both in the long run if you go through this experience without one or both of you really committing to making things work. I wish you the best of luck and hope you find a solution that leads you on the right path, whichever way you go at the crossroads.

May 19

Sex Advice: What is Prostate Stimulation? Is it Gay?


Q: “Hi I’m curious about prostate stimulation. I’m completely straight, so is it gay? Or how can you do it to make it feel good? Thank you.”

A: There’s nothing gay about enjoying prostate or anal stimulation as a straight man.

Your prostate gland lives around 3-4 inches inside your bottom on the wall nearest to your penis. Its function is to produce the bulk of fluid found in ejaculate. If you’re able to reach it with your finger, you’ll notice it feels like a squishy and firm raised bump with a texture and size similar to a walnut.

The likelihood is that at some point in your life you’re going to have a prostate exam to check you’re in good health. In lieu of this rather clinical and sterile process, it isn’t a bad shout to familiarise yourself with the sensation of your prostate being touched. It’s likely to be a lot more fun if your first experience isn’t with a Doc’s gloved finger.
There are a lot of reasons men experiment with anal play and contrary to belief, it isn’t the preserve of gay men. The first and foremost reason is that it just feels good. There are plenty of sensitive nerve endings inside your ass that respond very well indeed to a good stroke. Anal play can also escalate erotic response, bringing both men and women to orgasm quicker. If you’re in doubt about the sexual preference connotations, take a look at the act of pegging, it pertains to a woman’s use of a strap-on to penetrate a man anally and it’s not a particularly niche sex act.
Trying pegging as your first foray into prostate stimulation is likely to be more than a little intimidating. Most men start with either their experimentation solo using either their finger or a simple beginner’s anal sex toy like a butt plug. Anal sex toys are often the best choice as they’re designed for purpose and are completely smooth, whereas fingernails have a habit of being a little scratchy. Regardless of how you choose to play, make sure you use plenty of lubricant and don’t rush things. I’d recommend either a silicone lubricant like Give Lube or an anal-specific lubricant like ID Backslide Anal Lubricant.
If you decide to take a hands-on (or finger-in) approach, make sure you give yourself a quick manicure before hand. Cut your nails short and file down any rough edges with an emery board. It also goes without saying that you’ll want to pop to the bathroom around a half hour beforehand. For those who are ultra squeamish, an anal douche doesn’t go amiss.
Regardless of whether you choose to use your finger or a sex toy, the process is exactly the same. You’ll want to be sexually aroused first, so regular masturbation, foreplay, oral or sex is a good prelude. Just like you wouldn’t normally try to reach orgasm before an erection, you wouldn’t try to put something in your bottom before being turned on.
Apply lubricant to both your finger/toy and your rosebud and start with a gentle external massage of the sphincter and perineum. Placing increased pressure on your opening will help to relax it but make sure you use a light touch and follow your body’s cues for progress, paying attention to any pain you experience and withdrawing accordingly. When your body is ready, penetration is a relaxed and easy process that doesn’t hurt.
You’ll know that you’ve reached your prostate when you locate that tell-tell bump with your finger or you’ve fully inserted your toy. As a guideline, you’ll want a butt plug that’s 4 inches in length to make sure you hit the right spot.
If using your finger, lightly trace circles over the surface of the prostate to arouse it and slowly build up pressure and speed. Using too much pressure too soon can feel uncomfortable or make you need to pee and that isn’t so sexy.  Using a toy means you can enjoy hands-free stimulation. Try rocking and grinding your hips to nudge the tip of the toy against the prostate, increasing pressure by grinding harder and at steeper angles.
It is possible for men to achieve orgasm just through prostate stimulation but it takes a lot of practice to perfect the technique and is usually somewhat of a long route to climax, despite what American Pie would have us think. The act of bringing yourself to climax solely with prostate stimulation is called ‘milking the prostate’. Most men tend to come close to orgasm but remain on the brink, so it’s common for men to maintain their technique while rhythmically stroking the penis to finish the job.
If you try either the finger or toy technique and find your curiosity is rewarded, the next step is to invest in a specifically-designed prostate massager. These anal sex toys are made for purpose with curvaceous shafts and unique angles that are chosen to offer the best contact with your prostate gland. They tend to be bigger in size than beginner’s anal sex toys so it’s worth getting yourself accustomed to more fingers or a reasonably-sized butt plug before you buy your first prostate stimulator.

Suggested products for massaging his prostate:

Apr 04

What is a Fetish Club?

Hella Walkington at Halloween Torture Garden 2012

Hella before Halloween Torture Garden 2012

It’s rarely that I get to indulge my flirtation with the London fetish scene, I pretty much only make it to Halloween Torture Garden these days. With London train fares siding on the exorbitant (thanks, First Great Western), the price of the club ticket, food, drinks and the additional taxis to and from the venue, the average cost for a night out at TG sets me back a good £200 and that’s before I’ve factored in my outfit. Yikes! I guarantee you that it’s worth every penny, but it’s safe to say that my flirtation with kinky clubs has to be an occasional vice and not a habit these days, lest I go bankrupt.

I know there are plenty of you reading this who think that I’m either mad, loaded or both. Why spend so much money on a night out when you could have a good old knees up at home for a quarter of the price? What happens there that makes it so tempting to throw all of the money at it?

First things first, fetish clubs and sex / swingers clubs are not the same thing. If you’re thinking you’re guaranteed an easy lay, a hardcore spanking or group sex for the price of your club ticket, snap out of it. There are plenty of places who offer these services but none of them are the fetish clubs you’ve heard so much about – they’re generally BDSM-themed nights run by swinger’s clubs. Don’t get the two confused or you’re likely to wind up disappointed or in trouble

Hella Walkington at Halloween Antichrist 2013

Halloween Antichrist 2013 – Copyright Marcus T 

Now we’ve got the big question of ‘Is it all about sex?’ out of the way, it’s time to give you the 411 on what actually happens at clubs like Torture Garden. It’s fare to say that there’s a very sexual energy at these clubs and yes, sex does happen, but it’s not the first and foremost reason most folks go.

If you’ve ever been to a festival then you’ll have a great starting point for reference. Wild outfits, partying all night, exotic performances and some serious dancing are all on the agenda. Mix the likes of a Glastonbury crowd with the presence of a superclub like Ministry of Sound and then throw in some Bacchus-style morality and you’re pretty much there. Hedonism is the game, mutual consent is the rule book.

What is a Fetish Club Really Like?

Fetish clubs are usually split into multiple rooms to give attendees a varied experience. A couple of main dance floors, several performance areas and a main stage are the big lures for entertainment. You can expect everything from erotic bondage demos to flesh hook suspensions, fire performance to fashion shows. Every night has something new and different to offer, switching things up to keep the events fresh and exciting. The music is varied, crossing over genres from rock and cyber to dance, electro, house and dance floor fillers.

As well as these main pulls, you’re also likely to find dedicated play spaces. These range from fully equipped dungeons and medical play rooms to singular installations of dancing poles, cages and even a couple’s room. If you’re interested in the more sexual side of fetish clubbing, these are the places to go. Be warned that it’s generally considered bad form to rock up there without a partner and those who do find themselves drawn to these areas solo must ensure they obtain permission to watch or participate. If you do want to go as a single, your time would be best spent meeting and mingling with the other attendees. It’s always much more fun if you rock up to these parties with friends.

Outside of the dedicated play spaces, the vibe is much like any other club – but more respectful. I’ve only once been grabbed in a fetish club but I take it as a given that it will happen at least once a night in my local dance clubs. Unfortunately it’s frowned upon to swipe assailants with a whip in my local haunts and some bouncers certainly find casual sexual assault A-OK in Bath. Get caught touching someone, no matter how fleetingly, without consent in TG and you’ll be out on your ass.

Fetish Club Rules

Hella in Skin Two Latex Clothing Dress

Hella in Latex – Copyright Skin Two ClothingWhat Should I Wear to a Fetish Club?What Should I Wear to a Fetish Club?

Dress code is the most important rule to abide by when planning to go to a fetish club. Fet nights have strict dress codes to ensure that those expecting a free-for-all gang bang don’t rock up and expect entry. You’ll need to check the specific event for full details but the general rule is either fetish wear (leather, PVC, latex rubber etc), revealing sexy lingerie, elaborate custom costumes, corsetry, intricate bodypaint, full uniforms or something equally fantastic is expected. If you show up in cheap fancy dress, street clothes or something that looks half-assed then you’re likely to be refused on the door. My best advice is to read the event details carefully and ensure you check out the club galleries for inspiration. If you’re not going to look like the other club attendees then you may find yourself looking for alternative entertainment for the night.

Don’t worry if you don’t feel comfortable turning up already dressed up, you’re welcome to get changed at the venues and there are cloakrooms to look after your bag for a fee. The door staff will ask to check your outfit before you enter, so be obliging and show them. Speaking of door staff, they’re likely to check your bag too. Safety is key at these events, just like at any other club.

We’ve already covered the consent rule – no touching, watching or participating without consent. Photography is strictly banned, including selfies on your mobile phone. Getting caught taking pictures will see your equipment being confiscated at best or your equipment being wiped and you chucked out at worst. If you’re keen to have some shots taken, track down one of the approved club photographers. They’ll be wearing passes around their neck so you’ll be able to spot them easily. Photographers only take photos if you ask or if they ask you for permission. Not everyone wants photos of their nights out floating about online and fetish clubs are incredibly mindful of this fact.

As you’d expect from any club, taking in things like food, drink and gum are forbidden. If you’re caught taking drugs, you’re likely to be handed over to the police. These are fundamental rules for any night out and shouldn’t come as any surprise.

You can take in your own fetish gear if you like. Whips, cuffs, harnesses and other fetish paraphernalia are allowed in. Don’t take anything you need to hook up to the mains as that’s generally considered a bit of a piss take. Besides, you’d need your PAT testing certificate to boot.

Ready Go to a Fetish Club?

If all of this sounds right up your ally, check out the below links for inspiration for your first fetish night out. You can also try searching ‘Fetish Club (your city)’ on Google to turn up local results.

Torture Garden – London fetish club with occasional nights elsewhere
Club Antichrist – London alternative fetish club specialising in rock/goth/alt music
Club Subversion – London fetish club with a focus on domination & submission
Club Pedestal – London fetish club with a focus on Femdoms
Skin Two – Part of the magazine franchise – They run a few big UK nights each year
Club Lash – Manchester Fetish Night
SWAMP – Bristol fetish fair and club night

If you’re looking for fetish friends to party with you can try networking on FetLife – it’s kinda like a Facebook for pervy types. Checkout the groups and you’ll find that there are plenty of mixers and smaller events you can attend in everyday clothes, allowing you to meet folks who already go to fet clubs for insider info and perhaps friendship.

If you run a UK fetish night and would like to be added to this resource list, please send me an email with your club website details.

Mar 19

Sex Toy Wars – The We-Vibe v Lelo Over the Right to Distribute C-Shaped Couple’s Vibrators in the US

If you’re hot on your sex toy news, it won’t have escaped your notice that We-Vibe and Lelo have been going head-to-head over the rights to distribute C-shaped, wearable vibes for couples in the USA.

We-Vibe filed its original US patent 7,931,605 back in 2005 and when the original We-Vibe was released, it was a runaway success. Cosmopolitan US called it ‘A gift from the sex Gods’ and it received widespread media coverage with the likes of CNN and The New York Times. With such a recipe for success, it was all too tempting for other sex toy companies to follow the trend and try to create their own.

Since the release of the original We-Vibe, the brand have released several new versions of their best-selling vibrator for couples including We-Vibe 2, We-Vibe 3 and We-Vibe 4 . They’ve also created a very successful range of massagers and bullet vibrators that have received rave reviews. With such a body of fantastic products on the market, it’s easy to see why protecting their design is a top priority.

We-Vibe successfully fought off competition for several years until Swedish sex toy manufacturer Lelo took a bold plunge, releasing Lelo Tiani as part of its Insignia range. Tiani sought to improve on We-Vibes original design by housing the controls in a remote for easier operation. Unfortunately their first Tiani design fell short of expectations, with signal interruptions between the toy and remote causing the toy to cut out mid play. Since Tiani’s launch, Lelo have continued to work on its C-shaped vibes, releasing Tiani 2, Tiani 3, Noa and Intima Kalia (note that Kalia is on Amazon.com – Oops!).

To date, Lelo’s C-shaped vibes are banned from release in the US, leading sex toy fans to purchase the toys from abroad and import them under the radar of leading American sex toy distributors. This backdoor allows the Lelo products to sneak past the ban on US sales and has, for obvious reasons, left We-Vibe fuming.

Lelo continue to challenge the patent We-Vibe hold in an attempt to gain market ground for their vibes in the US. It doesn’t seem to be going too well, if a recent press release by We-Vibe is anything to go by. We-Vibe have two months to submit evidence and respond to Lelo’s challenges and they’re doing so very much in the public eye. With press releases flying around and media quotes doing the rounds, We-Vibe are making sure that this latest challenge doesn’t go unnoticed by other brands considering the release of similar designs.

“This proceeding was initiated by Lelo Inc. as yet another attempt to circumvent the US International Trade Commission ruling last year that found Lelo infringed the We-Vibe patent… Standard Innovation’s We-Vibe patent remains valid and in force. After a complete and thorough investigation, the International Trade Commission concluded that the We-Vibe patent is valid. The ITC banned the import and sale of all infringing products in the US.”

Will the next hearing see a different outcome? Apparently that’s unlikely. We-Vibe state that Lelo have nothing new to submit that could lead to a different result, but I have a feeling they must have something up their sleeve to bring this old case back into the light of day. Only time will tell!


Mar 11

ElectraStim Wave Electro Dildo Sex Toy Review

As promised, I’ve dug through the archives and found my ElectraStim reviews that switched me onto using electro sex toys (and approaching Cyrex for work!)…

What is the ElectraStim Wave Dildo?

Designed to work alongside any of the ElectraStim Stimulators, the ElectraStim Wave Dildo is a bi-polar electrode with two 2mm inputs in the base. Made from marine-grade aluminium and acrylic, the surface is smooth and cool to the touch and is punctuated by undulating waves that run along the insertable length of the shaft. The base is detailed with a series of insulating rings to prevent stimulation reaching your hand during play.

Measuring 5.5 inches insertable and a smidge over 3.5 inches in girth, you’ll find the size beautifully slimline and ideal for both seasoned sex toy fans and beginners alike. It’s best enjoyed with water-based lube as silicone lubricant acts as an insulator and lessens sensation. You can enjoy using this dildo without the unit, it’s highly detailed to maximise sensation and is excellent for G-spot play.

Using the ElectraStim Wave Dildo with an Electro-Stimulator

The dildo is pretty fun as a sex toy in its own right but it really comes into its own when it’s plugged into an ElectraStim stimulator. The instructions advise to insert the dildo fully before choosing your power and pattern settings and you should keep in mind that if you’re thrusting, sensation will intensify when you’re using less of the shaft. Because the contacts run the full length of the shaft, you’ll feel sensation no matter how much of the length is inside you.

How Does the ElectraStim Wave Dildo Work?

When using the continuous stimulation setting, your body will react by tightly contracting around the dildo. This offers intensified sensation from the ridges as you grip around the shaft with irresistible force. Switch to a pattern setting and your body contracts around the dildo, feeling similar to an orgasm but without the biochemical rush. These orgasmic-style contractions offer hands-free stimulation and can bring you to orgasm without you needing to do a thing.

One of the most surprising uses of this dildo is as a kegel exerciser, better known as jiggle balls. As the electrostimulation makes your pelvic floor contract around it, you can actually tone your intimate muscles as you use it – like a sexy toning belt for your genitals. As you can use the dildo both anally and vaginally, both men and women can enjoy the pleasurable muscle toning effects.

Summation – Should I Buy the ElectraStim Wave Dildo?

Wave has ousted my entire collection of insertable vibrators, much to my surprise. It’s managed to achieve what vibrator manufacturers are trying to replicate – the sensations of thrusting and pulsating that better replicate the throbbing sensations of orgasmic penetrative sex. Unlike with rabbit vibes, there’s no fighting against a rotating motor for sensation – in fact the tighter you clench, the stronger sensation becomes. The experience of my body contracting around the length is completely set aside from any previous sex toy experiences, it’s deeper, it’s more intense and (in my opinion) it’s more satisfying to boot.

My personal recommendation is to enjoy Wave alongside a bullet vibrator for simultaneous clitoral stimulation that transcends the boundaries of both solo and shared pleasure. I can see this particular set-up being a preserve at my bedside for some time to come.

ElectraStim Flick EM60
ElectraStim Wave Electro Dildo
Also available in the US from the ElectraStim.com site.

I still stand by the comments I made in this review. Over a year on, the experience hasn’t gotten old. ;)

Mar 10

What is Erotic ElectroStimulation and How Does it Feel?

For the past year I’ve been working closely with ElectraStim, a UK company who invent and produce electro sex toys, distributing them worldwide via adult retailers, their UK online store and their American website.
Prior to my introduction to Andy at Cyrex (ElectraStim’s parent company), my knowledge of erotic electrostimulation (EES) was full of holes. I had an understanding of the physics surrounding the practice and I’d certainly used EES in my work as a dominatrix but I hadn’t explored electrosex beyond the realms of external sensory play. My personal experience wasn’t marrying with the interesting array of electrodes I was discovering, so being the curious-minded creature I am, I got in touch with Andy in regard to reviewing some of his products.
Andy sent me the ElectraStim EM60-M kit and a Wave Electro Dildo to try out to help me gain a better grasp of how erotic e-stim works. What I discovered is that internal and external stimulation, although similar in theory, feel incredibly different. I also learned that sharing an electrical charge with a partner when using a stimulator is one of the sexiest and connected experiences available to couples. Far from erotic electrostimulation being the preserve of fetishists, I realised that when you’re furnished with a little insider knowledge, EES toys are incredibly sensual and a little undeserving of their niche product placement. Sure, they are fantastic fetish products and are irreplaceable in the realms of CBT, pussy torture and pushing the pleasure/pain boundary further, but that’s just a single facet of electro play.
Marketing has a lot to answer for. Our kindred pervs on the fet scene are pioneers in experimental sexual practices – they’re the first to buy, the first to try and the first to set the bar by which we judge erotic products. If a product range is considered to be niche by virtue of its BDSM abilities, it’s hard to look past those ideas as a person with little-to-no knowledge of its potential. Thanks to this realisation, I now dedicate a lot of my working time with ElectraStim, explaining how different types of electro sex toys work and what you can expect. I try to cover both sides of the coin, the pleasurable effects of using erotic electro-stimulation as a pleasure enhancer and also the more intense side connected with bondage and fetish games.
I won’t regurgitate the content of the ElectraStim advice guides I’ve written, but if you’re a curious newcomer, you should check out the Beginner’s ElectraStim Advice Guides for the 411. I would like to give a quick lowdown of the sensations you can expect in a nice, easy-to-digest bullet list:
  • Using electro sex toys is not painful… unless you want it to be. You set the parameters for power and the stimulators are highly adjustable, so you only need to push the levels up enough to feel sensations if you want a more sensual erotic experience.
  • The sensations feels like a gentle tingle that rises and falls in time with the stimulation pattern. It’s not usually prickly or pins-and-needles-like unless you don’t have good bodily contact with the electrode or you have power set to a high level.
  • The smaller the contact area with your body, the more intense stimulation will feel. Using a dildo will offer softer stimulation than using a small butt plug because the electricity is spread out over a wider area, so you’ll want to use a lower intensity with a smaller toy.
  • When power is set to just the right level, it causes the muscles beneath or surrounding the electrode to contract in time with stimulation. When using external pads, it feels similar to a massage. When using a vaginal or anal sex toy, it feels similar to orgasmic contractions – that’s the main unique selling point of electro sex toys, they make your body move as opposed to moving against your body. People generally start experiencing a ticklish sensation at levels 2 – 4 and accompanying contractions at levels 3 – 6.
  • You can share sensations in-sync with your partner by sharing a channel. If you both use an electrode connected to the same wire (you can attach 2 toys to a single channel), you’ll feel sensations through the electrodes as well as everywhere you touch one another. This turns you both into living, breathing electro sex toys.
  • There are a lot of electro sex toys available to cater for all different types of toy play. If you’re fond of dildos, try an electro dildo. Vibrating cock rings? Try an electro cock ring. The products are like-for-like, albeit the sensations differ to traditional vibrations.
  • Electro play can make you feel more sensitive to touch. Much like erotic massage excites the nerve endings, electro-stimulation goes deeper to further excite your body. This is particularly effective during sensory play. If your body becomes accustomed to being stroked, massaged, tickled or spanked, electro play can make you feel more sensitive to touch again.
I can probably talk about erotic estim for hours, given the level of involvement I now have with the products and the brand. Those interested in hearing more about using electro sex toys from a first-time perspective can check back here later in the week. I’ll be posting the original reviews I wrote for ElectraStim to share a little insight into my electro play exploration. Let’s just say I liked them so much… I asked them to become my client. ;)

Dec 22

Lovehoney Discount Code – Get 10% off at Lovehoney

Want to boost your spending power? As a reader of my blog you can get 10% off Lovehoney products. Simply visit Lovehoney via the below banner and continue shopping as usual. Your discount will be applied at checkout.

Dec 09

A Modern Girl’s Guide to Dating Disasters – Online and Otherwise

Hello, old friend. It’s been a while since I last swung by my blog to make an update. I’ll probably make another post to explain my absence as what I’m here to do has been a long time brewing.

Back in July 2012 I became single and I vowed that my singledom was going to last for a year. I’ve never been single before and that’s both a blessing and a curse when you write relationship advice as part of your job. How can I truly empathise with the modern dater if I haven’t ever dated myself? So I resolved to enter into the dating world with an open heart and mind, to try new things and to abide by the 3-date rule. Kinda like the Brownie Guide Promise but with something more exciting than a sew-on patch to show for it at the end.

What you’re about to witness is pulled from my personal Facebook. I’ve deleted the names of those involved and have resisted the urge to publish undoctored evidence that would reveal the identities of those who have been less than awesome.

There are some pictures, there are some anecdotes and there are a lot of excellent responses from my bloody hilarious friends. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you:

A summarised year in my life of dating January – December 2013.
Buff arms – dirt everything else

After 5 months of casual dating that didn’t get further than date 2, my opinion was firmly in the buff arms, dirt everything else category. I was pretty tentative about dating anyone, especially with old flames still interfering with things on a near-daily basis.

30th of January 2013
In case you were worrying about my single lifestyle, don’t. I just got an email from an elderly chap letting me know he wanks over my photos. Looks like I’m set. Lol!
Aren’t you a lucky girl! X

I’ve told my grandad to stay away from the computer – sorry!

What a hero.

If i was 90, i would! Haha x

You inviting him out Saturday night?

1st of March 2013
I’ve just remembered the uncouth tit of a man last night who introduced me to his Dad, told me he’s on Made in Chelsea and then reeled off a bunch of reasons I’d be privileged to sleep with him. How do people end up behaving like that?! Anyway, word to the wise as he’s just moved to Bath. Massive muppet.

Surely the made in chelsea thing is far worse than the dad thing unless it was to introduce a threesome!, in which case chelsea comes first! Lol

I’ll fall back on my standard advice here- set fire to him.

 I think it is the other way round! Don’t you?! As in it would be a priviledge for him, which he would never have the chance!!! What a complete and utter idiot!!

30th of March 2013
I’m sitting in with a friend at 3am pretending to be a sex doll on Chat Roulette and I receive a love note from one of the local drug takers.

13th of May 2013
I went out dancing with one of the blondes at a local club. We had a good laugh and met a group of guys who we invited back for more drinks after. I agree they can crash over in the living room. While I’m blowing up a couple of airbeds for them, they start to sexually objectify me. I have a word, they don’t stop, I kick the lot of them out. The next morning I discover something has gone missing. I already had full contact details, so I wasn’t too stressed. Plus one of them left something behind himself…

If you’re going to pinch something from my place you had better make sure that your party have all of their possessions when they leave. Sleepy boy will get his shoes back when my property is returned. Squirm, lads.

Addendum: One of these guys did eventually replace the missing item, although none of us are certain it isn’t because he wanted to shag one of the blondes. Only kidding, he was OK. There was also a very public on-knees apology from the thief in the middle of a crowded bar.

24th of May 2013
It was time to get into online dating as it’s a black hole in my knowledge. Not many good things came from it…

Online dating at its finest

haha guess he isn’t a member!

Nice tits Hella, thought I’d just say what he was insinuating without the bullshit. Xx

I did meet a couple of sweet guys using the same app, but alas there was no spark.

15th of June 2013
Woke up to a marriage proposal this morning! Don’t go buying any hats though, I’m still not ready to own several toasters, John Lewis bedspreads or Egyptian cotton towel bails.

The night of June 23rd 2013

23rd of June 2013
Honey, I don’t care if you look like Brad Pitt on a good day, OR what your spiel is. You have a girlfriend and you behaved as you have 2 weeks running. You even tried to justify it! In my eyes you’re a grade-A tosser. Kindly jut off in whichever direction you came from!

“Don’t I get an invite home?” NO! I’d rather suck Medusa’s clit and schlurp the last essence of manhood from Narcissus, but cheers for the offer… douche!

As for the taxi driver who told me he’d dump a girl for going out solo because he’s Romanian… you can go jump into the same shit pit as Mini Thor.

Honestly, get a grip guys! We’re not going to fawn over you for being pretty, you need to have much more than that going for you. Even then most women with a semblance of self respect are NOT going to suffer your eternal cuntdom.

Yours sincerely, a very sober Hella.

(Nights out are totally better inebriated, because the level of anger at the end is zilch!)
Wow…are you some sort of asshole magnet or something?

Hella: Honestly, I’ve had a great night. I’m just utterly appalled with the way some of the men I’ve met behaved.  One chap got a sharp slap for grabbing Plum and this asshole is about the worst example of a human being I’ve ever met! Yes, he’s gorgeous… but he has the personality and morals of a dog shit bin. I did meet some nice men and enjoyed dancing, but it tends to be the nights that I stay sober that I regret going out at all and thanks to the behaviour of several men tonight, I’m pretty angry.

Attractive guys who know they’re attractive and therefore assume your attracted to their attractiveness is a seriously ugly trait. From a very sober C x

Don’t give up there are nice guys (and girls) out there, it’s just unfortunate that they’re more likely to be home on a Saturday night because they can’t stand the blatant meat market that most city centres become and all the arseholes who frequent the ‘hipster’ bars.
Some guy, grabbed me straight in the lady area last night as he was walking passed, I punched him straight in the kidneys! He then had the cheek to turn around like I was starting on him, I kindly told him to jog the fuck on!

23rd of June 2013
Genuinely dreading my date tomorrow. I’m feeling really blue about the way men seem to be treating women on nights out at the moment. 

This past fortnight has seen myself and several of my friends sexually assaulted (on multiple occasions in a single evening by different men), shouted at, sworn at, been degraded for not finding someone attractive and being hit on by married/involved men. I think Plum wins the award for biggest lie with the ‘my wife’s dead and I can’t bear to take the ring off’ (when she actually in Leicester).

Whatever seems to have gotten into these guys, I hope it stops soon. The next guy to grab me in an intimate area will be hoisted out to the police station on a sexual assault charge. I’m not putting up with this rubbish any more!

Not all guys are dickheads x  (This is from possibly the nicest guy I know. You can’t fault his logic)

Blimey, where do you go to meet these ‘gems’?? Xx

Become a lesbian x

Don’t tarnish everyone with same brush! They aren’t all lying shits x

I’m feeling pretty blue tonight too babe. It’s not a nice way to be treated and makes me feel like I’m somehow attracting this myself. I’m fairly certain I’m a nice girl, who does deserve to be loved by someone who is nice to me, but right now I feel worthless. I’m avoiding the whole thing for a week or two I think, need some space from it all! (Best friends are best because they go through the worst with you too).

True, there are a lot of complete wankers out there who do not deserve the light of day, but do not loose faith! There are also plenty of genuine, kind hearted men too. I am sure you will find him.

There are a lot of wankers out there  I spent 11 years, two terrible relationships and thousands of miles to realise one of my best friends from when I was a teenager is my soul mate. Don’t get me wrong, we’ve had some tough times too but he’s made it all worth it and given me the two most beautiful boys  I just can’t imagine being back on the ‘dating scene’ must be scary, I agree if you’re not looking forward to it cancel x

Hella: Thanks for listening to my shit, there are some days I’d be lost without a mass outlet! There comes a point where you start feeling like it’s your fault and you should just give up and stay home, so I’m always grateful for you lot being on the other end of social media to offer kind words and advice. x

Not all guys are dickheads,no. But a large minority of them are and always have been and they make me sick. From the wolf whistlers and horn honkers who want to intimidate (“it’s only a bit of fun love give us a smile) and the dicks nudging me with their elbows saying “woooooooor look at the tits on that” to those I’ve seen openly frightening women on the dance floor right in front of me, sorry guys but grow up its 2013 for fucks sake

25th of June 2013
Date cancelled, drinks with friends, faith restored! 3 friends requests from random blokes who go to (club) ignored. I’m looking forward to a quiet couple of weeks avoiding late-night bars and places without the fabulous chaps I call friends.  you long time! xx

(Thanks to the 15 friends who liked this post. I’m sorry it’s not as entertaining as the usual fare)

2nd of July 2013
Go out with a really nice guy. Go skating at 2am and come flying off of my longboard. Black eye, suspected fracture to my cheek, elbow, shoulder and wrist. Date patches me up and calls me the next day. I inexplicably don’t want to jump his bones.

12th of July 2013
“I find most women really fake and too far up their own asses… Would you like to go out sometime?”

What a guy!

19th of July 2013
Someone actually stopped me in the street to say this:

“Wow, what are the chances that a woman as beautiful as you would actually be interesting as well!”

*looks blankly*

The only thing that made me interesting was that I was carrying a longboard.

21st of July 2013
Today I’m celebrating one year of being single! It’s the first time I’ve been single for more than a couple of months and the first time I’ve ever dated!

It has been an amazing and liberating experience, a year off from partnered love has been chicken soup for the soul after 11.5 years of serial monogamy. It definitely pays off to have some ‘ME’ time if life throws you the opportunity. 

Couldn’t agree with you more!!

Been single for 9 years. I feel like a nun, but there are days when I wish for love, then others when I’m glad of my situation. Either way, I’ve learnt that I’m happy. And there’s not many people like me.

That is so refreshing sweets!! Fantastic to hear! X

22nd of July 2013
Not strictly dating, but…
Just had a little interview for Men’s Health on the subject ‘How to Pull a Model’. Needless to say that my experience is mostly on the ‘don’t do this…’ side of the fence.

27th of July 2013
The guy from Made in Chelsea turns up in a different club. He asks me if I watch MIC. I tell him he asked me that last time and I thought he was a twat then too.

9th of August 2013
Let a male friend crash at mine to save him a hefty cab fare. He tries to grope me in bed and although I put him firmly in his place, I inexplicably don’t kick him out. He’s a total dick to me in the morning.

19th of August 2013
I made the very stupid mistake of sleeping with one of the old flames (because dating was already going so well, it couldn’t hurt to make it worse… right?). Hours after he leaves, he texts me a shit-heap of complete neurotic upheaval. I decide to leave it all *well* alone but it was pretty damn upsetting.

On the same night this happened, I also met a random guy who happened to be friends and out with the aforementioned flame. I chatted to him for a bit and he seemed nice enough (mates level) so I gave him my number when he asked for it. Stupid move. In between the old flame leaving and his pages of post-sex neurosis, I post this update:

I’ve got another one for you!

Girl meets guy in a burger bar queue. Girl and guy talk tattoos for a couple of minutes. Guy asks for girl’s phone number, girl gives it to him.

Guy texts 1 hour later :
” Hey loved your tattoos plus your pants* shame we didn’t meet before would of loved to get know ya,shame I didn’t go home with u zx”

Girl thinks, “Really, dude? I’ve known you for about 4 minutes.” Girl ignores.

Guy continues to send texts and whatsapps. Girl despairs but out of morbid curiosity, facebook searches him.

He’s an uber Christian with ‘God is good’ written all over his timeline.

*Slow clap*

(*I’d like to add he only saw the side of my knickers as we were talking about tattoo removal and I showed him the progress.)

Please write a book. X

You really score all those winners. I’m so jealous.

You didn’t show him that tattoo that says “I like nut cases” did you?

If he’s an uber Christian, why is he trying to go home with a girl he only met 4 minutes ago? What happened to no sex before marriage etc? 

Maybe he wants to save Hella’s  soul 

It’s a shame one can’t simply “undo” giving of phone numbers :s

Later on the 20th of August:

23rd of August 2013
Two people who really shouldn’t have tried to sleep with me tried to sleep with me this weekend (using actions, not words). I was not happy.

31st of August 2013
Wow! Eventful night if ever there was one. What was with the guy following me around TRYING TO SUCK MY CHEEK in (club)? 
September – December
This is fairly brief. After a year of pretty much complete disaster, I backed seriously away from dating and men I don’t know in general. The troublesome old flame continued to be troublesome and I’ve turned back to online dating which finds me chatting to a random bloke who seems nice enough. I can’t say I’m confident.

I have enjoyed helping others with dating though, introducing friends and being a wing-woman has been a joyous experience. There’s also the other side in which I’ve seen so many friends have problems and strife in their respective relationships and being free from any such problems myself, it’s much easier to be the supportive one on a more in-depth level.

So this is dating? No wonder there’s such a lucrative career to be made from sex and relationship advice. I have a new-found respect for those who throw themselves into the dating world with full rigour because if your experiences are anything like mine, you must be infinitely more patient than I can ever proclaim to be.

I’d like to thank the men I have dated who were nice enough to have just received an honourable mention in this blog. I think there were only 4 of you throughout the entire year. You are to be commended, you’re pretty cool guys and I’m glad to have 2 of you as friends now.

I also want to give massive props to my chums for their excellent retorts, advice and kind words. This story would read differently without their comments because in all seriousness, a lot of this stuff just shouldn’t be happening. My posts were written with humour on the most part but many of the things that happened were far from funny. I genuinely needed the support of mates at times and perhaps my Facebook ‘moans’ look less like a need for reassurance because I managed to summon a sense of humour that wasn’t at all times present. Friends rule and so does reaching out to them.

Here’s to seeing in 2014 as a single gal! :)

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